Why is Marriage Hard?

This weekend Jennifer and I attended a wedding.  Like many weddings, this union of husband and wife swelled with the promises of love, expectations, and new life. Like many weddings, the homily referenced 1 Corinthians 13, aka the "Love chapter."

To be honest, I have heard so many readings of this chapter at weddings, that my head numbs at the repeated mention of those words.  Our minds become experts at wandering far afield whenever we are made to listen to the same thing ad nauseam. 

This week I listened to the reading of the Love Chapter with new ears. Why this time?  I give credit to the minister, whose homily was not filled with the usual promises of sunshine and butterflies.  Instead, she proclaimed a realistic address about how hard a couple must work to make a good marriage. After 16 years, I can testify to the truthfulness of this message.

Why is marriage hard? That was the question on my mind when the Love Chapter was recited.  But this time when the passage was read, I substituted the word "love" with my name.

Scott is patient, Scott is kind. Scott does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. Scott is not rude, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. Scott does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Scott always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

As I scan through the list, a sense of dread nearly overcomes me. Would my wife affirm that I am patient? Would she affirm that I eschew envy or boasting? What about pride? If Augustine is right, pride is at the root of all sins.  If Love is not proud, does that mean we all fail the most basic definition of love?

Can I honestly admit to myself that I am not self-seeking?  I am a graduate student who is in the middle of writing a dissertation.  Is there a married grad student alive who is not self-seeking?  I could not possibly count all of the times that I have chosen to sacrifice time and attention with Jenn for the dissertation.  And ironically, I am probably self-seeking by writing this blog post. 

Would my wife agree that I keep no record of wrongs?   It is human nature to remember the perceived wrongs that have been done to us.  And in marriage, it is easier to keep a record of wrongs than a record of sacrificial actions. I have found this definition of love to be the most difficult.  I want to keep a mental list, to use as ammunition if my spouse has her own list to use against me.  Otherwise, I am left defenseless in an argument.  But here is what I have learned:  this is the very definition of sacrifice.  Yes, Love does indeed ask me to sacrifice my need to defend myself.  Yes, Love asks me to be vulnerable.  Yes, Love asks me to be defenseless. And without a doubt, this is hard work. I was not born with an innate desire to sacrifice my ego. Innately, I want to protect my ego.

Do I always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere?  Yet again, I often fail.  I do not always protect. I do not always trust my wife. I do not always hope.  I do not always persevere.  Perhaps this call from Love is unrealistic.  Can anyone always protect, trust, hope, persevere?  But that is what Love requires from me.

I have long assumed that I was doing OK in fulfilling the definition of Love, specifically as it related to my marriage.  But upon closer inspection, I have much work to do.  Of course marriage is hard,  because it requires us to battle against our flesh/ego/false self.  And that is hard work even outside of marriage.  Combine that battle with a spouse who is battling the same flesh/ego/false self problems, and it is remarkable that anyone succeeds in this thing called marriage.  Fortunately for us, Love is strong enough to overcome our insecurities.  Love took on flesh and demonstrated how we are to love one another:  by following the example set by Christ.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." - 1 John 3:16

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." - 1 John 4:9-12